There’s a crippling disease that seems to be targeting men all across the globe. It’s contagious, ugly and devastating to the male population at large! It may even affect your sperm’s ability to reproduce in the future. This epidemic has ruined the lives of countless men and is showing no signs of slowing down! Chances are that you’ve been infected and just don’t know it yet…
This disease is called E.V.S., that’s short for EXTERNAL VALIDATION SEEKING!
Basically, EVS is a problem that I see everyday and everywhere I go. Men(And women) are seeking validation from everything external rather than giving it to themselves or finding it internally. It’s especially popular in the Dating Community amongst men who have very little options when it comes to dating or choosing the types of women that they want to get involved with.
Here’s the typical breakdown or sequence of events that takes place when you first find the wonderful land of PUA’S….
When you first come to the Dating Community you’ll more than likely just want to bang tons of chicks. Let’s face it… That’s what most men think they want the most! You’ll study dating advice day after day, work on yourself some and then start to actually go out into the field to meet women(If you’re one of the lucky ones who can get over their approach anxiety). Then you’ll start to get lucky here and there(Lucky, meaning: SEX). You’ll feel great about yourself and your new life but something still won’t feel right. Confused about your emotions you’ll decide that you need to start banging more women and after you achieve that you’ll wanna sleep with even hotter women. But still something is missing…. Then, if that’s not enough you’ll want to have some multiple long term relationships (MLTR’S) and maybe some threesomes. You’ll more than likely mistakenly think that will fix the problem lurking in the background of your mind and make you sleep better at night with an even bigger smile on your face but you’re wrong!!! That odd feeling is still going to be there. It’s just not going away!
You’ll then want to date and sleep with only perfect 10’s and if you’re lucky enough to make that happen and only a few of us will actually realize that ” perfect 10″ dream in reality, you’ll still have that empty feeling on the inside. It will be a never ending quest for happiness and fulfillness! No matter how many women you get into bed with or how many relationships you have, that odd feeling will still be following you around everywhere you go. How do I know this??? Easy. I’ve seen it 100’s of times with the guys I coach and with myself.
At this point, you’ll be somewhat confused as to why you still don’t love yourself, accept yourself fully, why you still feel lonely, you don’t feel emotionally fulfilled and give yourself the credit you deserve for your accomplishments.
You’ve worked extremely hard on yourself, your identity, confidence, presence, fashion, etc… But that feeling of emptiness, non acceptance and loneliness is still not going away! You will need even more, crave more and do anything to make that feeling go away… More women, stronger attraction, hotter women, sex all the time, bathroom pulls, the list goes on and on and on and on and on!!!!!! No matter how many women you sleep with you’ll still feel incomplete… You’ll then think to yourself… Hmmmmm, I need to settle down with that perfect girl and then all these feelings will go away and I’ll feel complete! Wrong! That feeling will still be there whether or not you’re in a relationship or not!
You would have achieved all of your dating goals. You have a plethora of the hottest and sexiest women at your disposal. Multiple women are begging you for your attention at any given time. You always have women around. You’re in an awesome relationship… But still, that’s not good enough.. You want MORE and MORE??? Why?
It’s because you’re seeking external validation. You’re judging yourself solely on your ability to get attention and sleep with women and not judging yourself on your real Self! You’re putting a value on yourself by your sexual conquests. You’re rating yourself as a whole based on only a small part of that whole. It’s an endless cycle. I see it all the time and it’s frustrating to see men go through it. Most have no idea this is even going on. They think more sex/attention=happiness!
You need to give yourself the attention that your seeking from somewhere else!
If you’re seeking validation outside of yourself than you’ll always end up disappointed. Only you can give yourself the validation, love and acceptance that is truly lasting and real. Nobody else can validate you but you. If you were able to validate yourself, how do you think women would respond to you? How would they view you? Do you think you would ever be needy or viewed as needy? Approval seeking? NO WAY! To validate yourself by yourself = happiness!
Women can smell a man of confidence a mile away. It’s like bee’s to the sweet nectar of a flower! They’ll literally swarm to you and your genitalia because of the air of Alpha-ness and self assured-ness that you exude!
When I walk around NYC with a fellow student, friend or lover I will always without fail hear the same thing over and over from them… “How come so many woman check you out???” The reason should be obvious to you at this point…
To be quite frank, it’s not your fault that you’re seeking validation from outside sources. You weren’t born an approval/validation seeker. You were taught to seek validation/approval from a time before you even knew what your name was and you just had piss and shit in your diapers. When you were just a baby you would take your first steps and everybody would clap and say YAYYYYYY with big giant smiles on their faces and give you emotional rewards. You were learning that, if I do “this” they do “that” and when they did “that” it felt very good and made me feel happy, loved and accepted. You were rewarded with attention and affection for doing what was natural to us and not for doing soemthing that was truly deserving. We learned the reward system early in life and that system is as addictive as crystal-meth! If you did anything good, you were rewarded. Usually by the time you were actually rewarded by whoever it was doing the rewarding your feeling of accomplishment was already fleeting and then along came that person to lift your spirits back up with acceptance, praise, giving you the feeling of being validated. We felt extra good again!
Their over-reacting positive reactions caused you to place a value of self worth on yourself at times when you weren’t necessarily giving it to yourself… and when you weren’t performing to the standards of the adults in your life, you weren’t getting the same kind of attention and we felt sad, unloved, lonely, not accepted, etc.!!! Wha Wha Wha… But the stage has been set for the rest of your life. We will always need more of that feeling! We’ll always be on the search for that feeling from others unless we learn to give it to ourselves.
We tend to spend the rest of our lives trying to recreate those moments that made us feel the most secure, loved, appreciated and safe in this world over and over again, why???? Because they are and were fleeting feelings. The feeling of being validated by anything external wears off even quicker than it came! This is why we keep trying to seek validation until the day we die!
External validation is TEMPORARY. Internal validation is PERMANENT! You have to learn to reward yourself. I’ve often asked myself why this was never taught to me when I was a kid. How come nobody in High-School taught these lessons of personal development. I still can’t figure out why learning Algebra is more important and critical to our survival than a class on confidence or self-esteem?!?!?! Makes me fucking angry as hell that kids growing up in todays world are robots or as I like to call them “SHEEPLE”. Individuality has become frowned upon and when we grow up and enter into the real world we realize that we have no identity or that we are lacking the confidence that we need in order to truly survive in the cut-throat world of today/tomorrow!
To top it all off… We are all bombarded and brainwashed every single day of our lives with the media in the form of advertising as well as a societal influence telling us that we are incomplete and not good enough unless we are found attractive, likeable, accomplished, love-able, dress well and popular. This is more brainwashing! Open up any magazine and there will be dozens of sex fueled ad’s that are specifically designed to make us feel inferior and that if we had their product in our lives or the same attention as the person in the ad was getting everything would be just peachy! Turn on the television and you’ll get more of the same. They tell us to feel bad about our lives and ourselves. Why do you think Facebook and Twitter tells us how many friends or followers other people have??? What does that do to your self-worth? Does it subliminally tell us to validate ourselves by the numbers of people we are socializing with? Fuck yeah, it does!!!
THEY ARE SELLING EXTERNAL VALIDATION AT A PREMIUM and it’s on sale!
But you can now break this cycle and give yourself true happiness, all by yourself. The first step is realizing that you’ve been seeking validation your whole life from everywhere else but yourself…
The second step is doing something about it… The New Year is coming up. It’s a new chance to change your life yet again, a fresh start and if you’re like everyone else on planet earth, you’ll probably make some sort of New Year’s Resolution. I know what mine is going to be….
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOURS WILL BE???