E.V.S. – Are you infected?

There’s a crippling disease that seems to be targeting men all across the globe. It’s contagious, ugly and devastating to the male population at large! It may even affect your sperm’s ability to reproduce in the future. This epidemic has ruined the lives of countless men and is showing no signs of slowing down! Chances are that you’ve been infected and just don’t know it yet…

This disease is called E.V.S., that’s short for EXTERNAL VALIDATION SEEKING!

Basically, EVS is a problem that I see everyday and everywhere I go. Men(And women) are seeking validation from everything external rather than giving it to themselves or finding it internally. It’s especially popular in the Dating Community amongst men who have very little options when it comes to dating or choosing the types of women that they want to get involved with.

Here’s the typical breakdown or sequence of events that takes place when you first find the wonderful land of PUA’S….

When you first come to the Dating Community  you’ll more than likely just want to bang tons of chicks. Let’s face it… That’s what most men think they want the most! You’ll study dating advice day after day, work on yourself some and then start to actually go out into the field to meet women(If you’re one of the lucky ones who can get over their approach anxiety). Then you’ll start to get lucky here and there(Lucky, meaning: SEX). You’ll feel great about yourself and your new life but something still won’t feel right. Confused about your emotions you’ll decide that you need to start banging more women and after you achieve that you’ll wanna sleep with even hotter women. But still something is missing…. Then, if that’s not enough you’ll want to have some multiple long term relationships (MLTR’S) and  maybe some threesomes.  You’ll more than likely mistakenly think that will fix the problem lurking in the background of your mind and make you sleep better at night with an even bigger smile on your face but you’re wrong!!! That odd feeling is still going to be there. It’s just not going away!

You’ll then want to date and sleep with only perfect 10’s and if you’re lucky enough to make that happen and only a few of us will actually realize that ” perfect 10″ dream in reality, you’ll still have that empty feeling on the inside.  It will be a never ending quest for happiness and fulfillness! No matter how many women you get into bed with or how many relationships you have, that odd feeling will still be following you around everywhere you go. How do I know this??? Easy. I’ve seen it 100’s of times with the guys I coach and with myself.

At this point, you’ll be somewhat confused as to why you still don’t love yourself, accept yourself fully, why you still feel lonely, you don’t feel emotionally fulfilled and give yourself the credit you deserve for your accomplishments.

You’ve worked extremely hard on yourself, your identity, confidence, presence, fashion, etc… But that feeling of emptiness, non acceptance and loneliness is still not going away! You will need even more, crave more and do anything to make that feeling go away… More women, stronger attraction, hotter women, sex all the time, bathroom pulls, the list goes on and on and on and on and on!!!!!! No matter how many women you sleep with you’ll still feel incomplete… You’ll then think to yourself… Hmmmmm, I need to settle down with that perfect girl and then all these feelings will go away and I’ll feel complete! Wrong! That feeling will still be there whether or not you’re in a relationship or not!

You would have achieved all of your dating goals. You have a plethora of the hottest and sexiest women at your disposal. Multiple women are begging you for your attention at any given time. You always have women around. You’re in an awesome relationship… But still, that’s not good enough.. You want MORE and MORE??? Why?

It’s because you’re seeking external validation. You’re judging yourself solely on your ability to get attention and sleep with women and not judging yourself on your real Self! You’re putting a value on yourself by your sexual conquests. You’re rating yourself as a whole based on only a small part of that whole. It’s an endless cycle. I see it all the time and it’s frustrating to see men go through it. Most have no idea this is even going on. They think more sex/attention=happiness!

You need to give yourself the attention that your seeking from somewhere else!

If you’re seeking validation outside of yourself than you’ll always end up disappointed. Only you can give yourself the validation, love and acceptance that is truly lasting and real. Nobody else can validate you but you. If you were able to validate yourself, how do you think women would respond to you? How would they view you? Do you think you would ever be needy or viewed as needy? Approval seeking? NO WAY! To validate yourself by yourself = happiness!

Women can smell a man of confidence a mile away. It’s like bee’s to the sweet nectar of a flower! They’ll literally swarm to you and your genitalia because of the air of Alpha-ness and self assured-ness that you exude!

When I walk around NYC with a fellow student, friend or lover I will always without fail hear the same thing over and over from them… “How come so many woman check you out???” The reason should be obvious to you at this point…

To be quite frank, it’s not your fault that you’re seeking validation from outside sources. You weren’t born an approval/validation seeker. You were taught to seek validation/approval from a time before you even knew what your name was and you just had piss and shit in your diapers. When you were just a baby you would take your first steps and everybody would clap and say YAYYYYYY with big giant smiles on their faces and give you emotional rewards. You were learning that, if I do “this” they do “that” and when they did “that” it felt very good and made me feel happy, loved and accepted. You were rewarded with attention and affection for doing what was natural to us and not for doing soemthing that was truly deserving. We learned the reward system early in life and that system is as addictive as crystal-meth! If you did anything good, you were rewarded. Usually by the time you were actually rewarded by whoever it was doing the rewarding your feeling of accomplishment was already fleeting and then along came that person to lift your spirits back up with acceptance, praise, giving you the feeling of being validated. We felt extra good again!

Their over-reacting positive reactions caused you to place a value of self worth on yourself at times when you weren’t necessarily giving it to yourself… and when you weren’t performing to the standards of the adults in your life, you weren’t getting the same kind of attention and we felt sad, unloved, lonely, not accepted, etc.!!! Wha Wha Wha… But the stage has been set for the rest of your life. We will always need more of that feeling! We’ll always be on the search for that feeling from others unless we learn to give it to ourselves.

We tend to spend the rest of our lives trying to recreate those moments that made us feel the most secure, loved, appreciated and safe in this world over and over again, why???? Because they are and were fleeting feelings. The feeling of being validated by anything external wears off even quicker than it came! This is why we keep trying to seek validation until the day we die!

External validation is TEMPORARY. Internal validation is PERMANENT! You have to learn to reward yourself. I’ve often asked myself why this was never taught to me when I was a kid. How come nobody in High-School taught these lessons of personal development. I still can’t figure out why learning Algebra is more important and critical to our survival than a class on confidence or self-esteem?!?!?! Makes me fucking angry as hell that kids growing up in todays world are robots or as I like to call them “SHEEPLE”. Individuality has become frowned upon and when we grow up and enter into the real world we realize that we have no identity or that we are lacking the confidence that we need in order to truly survive in the cut-throat world of today/tomorrow!

To top it all off… We are all bombarded and brainwashed every single day of our lives with the media in the form of advertising as well as a societal influence telling us that we are incomplete and not good enough unless we are found attractive, likeable, accomplished, love-able, dress well and popular. This is more brainwashing! Open up any magazine and there will be dozens of sex fueled ad’s that are specifically designed to make us feel inferior and that if we had their product in our lives or the same attention as the person in the ad was getting everything would be just peachy! Turn on the television and you’ll get more of the same. They tell us to feel bad about our lives and ourselves. Why do you think Facebook and Twitter tells us how many friends or followers other people have??? What does that do to your self-worth? Does it subliminally tell us to validate ourselves by the numbers of people we are socializing with? Fuck yeah, it does!!!

THEY ARE SELLING EXTERNAL VALIDATION AT A PREMIUM and it’s on sale!

But you can now break this cycle and give yourself true happiness, all by yourself. The first step is realizing that you’ve been seeking validation your whole life from everywhere else but yourself…

The second step is doing something about it… The New Year is coming up. It’s a new chance to change your life yet again, a fresh start and if you’re like everyone else on planet earth, you’ll probably make some sort of New Year’s Resolution. I know what mine is going to be….

DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOURS WILL BE???

13 thoughts on “E.V.S. – Are you infected?

  1. Top class stuff once again Glenn.

    Been following your insight and philosophy for while now, deep. What you speak of in this post feels so obvious really when one thinks about it. The challenge of course is reading this and then reverting back to same behavior. How does one start to self-validate without feeling your just bull shitting yourself ? Do you perhaps have examples of self-validation behavior as a sample of the visual of what a self-validated person looks like.

    Thanks for the insights.

  2. Nice article Glenn.

    However, what you failed to mentioned was that it’s typical of Newbies to have their minds in the wrong place in a sense.

    When I was a Newbie to pickup, all I wanted was to f-close as many HB’s as possible (which I did), and in a sense, probably seeking validation from them. But as one become a seasoned PUA, become a coach ,etc., banging women out of a void, vanity or value seeking becomes a thing of the pass as the PUA becomes seasoned.

    • Mr. Kenny…

      What’s up man??? Hope you’re living the dream! Been a while since we spoke!

      I actually did address the fact the most newbies just want to get laid by a ton of chicks!!! It’s very common to think that’s the ONLY reason for learning Dating Advice when they first arrive… And like you said, once seasoned in the arts of meeting women that quickly changes.

      Gp

  3. Dear Glenn…
    As i was reading your post, every single word made sense, that emptiness was there the whole time. No matter how many women were in my bed every morning, i felt empty, i told myself that i might needed a settle down with someone but i was always trying to get more women and i’d wonder why?. I didn’t realized that i was just getting external validation the whole time. I’m glad people like you exist to guide people like us on the right direction, and i wonder how can you get validation from yourself? what makes you validate yourself?!?

    • Onyx…

      Glad you related to my words!!! This took me quite some time to figure out but once I did it was one of my greatest epiphanies to date!

      I thought about writing how one could actually validate yourself but came to the conclusion that I would have to write a book on that subject.

      If I had to sum it up as best as I can, I would put self-acceptance at the top of the list of things you can start doing for yourself. We are all our own harshest judges! Stop judging yourself and just learn to accept yourself, the good, the bad, and the ugly! Learn to love yourself fully! Sounds korny but it’s the truth! Give yourself the credit and rewards you deserve. Also, realize that perfection doesn’t exist. You’ll never be perfect and the women you meet will never be perfect. Chasing perfection is a dead-end street. I think Nietzsche said it best… “Perfection is the enemy of the very good”! I hope that helps…

      And thank you so much for sharing your thoughts. I’m sure a lot of guys and women appreciate your honesty.

      Gp

  4. Wow! Wow, Wow! That’s some real shit there! Excellent post Glenn, I too for the longest time had gone through this up and down roller coaster ever since your bootcamp in 2010.I am reviewing my past and can see external validation signs everywhere. I mean simple ones like how good I looked (mentally to myself) just hitting a lounge with an hb or a SNL leaving in the morning was energy (mentally rewarding) or even my buddies expressions and comments was super rewarding but I wasn’t fulfilled at the end of the day inside. I kept thinking to myself, how come I don’t quite feel happy or still feeling like there was a missing void. Actually got a little depressed and took a year off and fell back into my old habits thinking that maybe this path I had chosen needed to be analyzed because although I was having success, I just still felt the same inside for the most part. I thought maybe I should settle down, have kids and it will feel better (I didn’t do that but I was feeling that way).I really look forward to hearing more

    Justin

  5. Best post so far Glenn!! You’re right…when I took the one-on-one with you last year, I was thinking….how come so many women are checking you out???

    • Tempted!!!!!!

      So glad to see you. How have you been????? Anytime you have a question just ask!!!! And lucky for me the ladies still check me out. I’m getting old and hopefully it doesn’t stop anytime soon!! lolol
      Gp

  6. Honestly, what I see more of (and have been guilty of) is guys learn game and it works, they keep climbing that ladder until they reach a breaking point. Instead of continuing to climb, they settle at some stage they think should be the dinner-bell-ringing of validation. For me it was in a LTR – kind of: I was spinning plates but slowly got closer to one girl who was really kind and open. I could’ve done better but was very content and happy on a day-to-day basis. Didn’t have to work hard, came naturally, AND PRESUMED I would get validation, since I knew she knew I could do a bit better.
    Guys, listen up: Not only is our esteemed author correct in pointing out a tendency to EVS when climbing, but girls are not wired to give you the validation in the way that will count. That tree will not bear the fruit you wish. Enjoy the lovely fruit it gives, but validation is not on the menu. It does not matter how grateful/appropriate behavior it would be in in your male, rational mind that she would be glad/proud/generous. It doesn’t work that way, even though girls may very well get much of their validation externally. We are men and are different.
    Eventually you will try to wring it out of them and in doing so, fall all the way back down that latter to the AFC point, which you swore you would leave behind, ow-ing, and wtf-ing all the way down.
    As soon as you’ve given up your frame, you’ve given up the ghost.

    Just my two cents. I hope someone benefits from my rookie mistake.

    • Feminizedwesternmale… (What a name!)

      Your two cents are much appreciated and well stated! Very insightful and nice to see that you can admit where you went wrong in your development!

      I hope to hear more from you in 2013!!!!

      GP

  7. Absolutely fantastic post Glenn. Such a great and timeless post. I work in sales and Ive been getting down on myself because I cant meet my monthly targets, Is see now that I’ve been at the enemy of an external signal for my validation and that is very needy/ unattractive. Fuck that! Im going to be happy whether I make a sale or not! I create my own reality!

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